No Regrets

Back for day two  – yeah, I am actually surprised myself. Alone for now and a little emotional. I can get through this but it feels so weird. It has been a VERY long time since I was alone for even a bit.

Just thinking about the work week ahead. Truth be told, I am tired of the rat race, tired of it taking over two hours to get to the office, even if I only have to physically be there a couple of days a week. The fact of the matter is that it is so incredibly stupid that I go into the office at all. Everything I do can be accomplished quite nicely offsite. In fact, I am more productive at home. I trudge into the office to do exactly the same thing as I do here. Often management doesn’t even see me. This is all some political bullshit and I hate playing the game. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I have worked a long time and often wonder - how did I get here? Like every other idealistic college graduate, I started out wanting to make a difference. I would make a difference. Somehow I would change a little piece of the world. I guess most people do not end up where they once aspired to be. But I do understand how it happened to me and I know for the most part I did the right thing. My life has never been defined in any way by my career but by my family. Which is kind of funny since I was part of the generation that embraced The Feminine Mystique. I guess some women can “have it all” and make it work. Not only was that not me, I don’t think in my heart I ever really wanted it. I do wish I had pursued teaching a little harder but I will never regret my education. It helped to shape me into the person and mother I became. But not having a “career”, climbing the corporate ladder   - I have never defined success that way. Consequently, I have no regrets.

For many years work just didn’t matter. I guess that is why I am still where I am and never left. Because, quite frankly, it just wasn’t that important. Although I have always prided myself in a job well-done, work was just a diversion – and a way to help provide a few extras. It was crazy for sure. I became a seasoned afternoon clock-watcher. I remember literally running out of the office, sprinting to the orange line, running to the commuter rail, transferring to a bus in Reading, praying 93 or 495 would not be backed up, racing to my car and home so that I would not be late for a skating lesson or theatre practice. It was all a little insane but, again, no regrets. I just wish all that running had kept me skinny – but that’s another story.

I loved those crazy years. I loved my involvement in the theatre and with the skating club. It was where I was able to put that passion that I put aside when I was literally bumped out of the education field. I loved being with the girls – watching them grow, admiring their confidence, resiliency, and hard-work. Amazed at their incredible poise on the ice and on-stage. I am so lucky that I was able to combine my job and my life and make it work, even through all of the craziness.

It is now that is the challenge. I will move to another chapter in my life – just not sure what it will be. I must remain where I am – at least a little while longer. It is just how it is. In the meantime, I enjoy seeing the girls whenever we can get together and man, I love the Sox. They have been a lifesaver during the beginning of these “empty nest” years. It is a place to put my passion for now and to enjoy with the hubby. The future is a little uncertain right now. But I will make the best of whatever direction it leads.

Enough rambling for today. Hey, I think I like this. So cool not to worry about sentence fragments or perfect grammar and to just write as things pop into my head. I do enough of that stuff every day. Thanks Denise for pointing me here. And no, I am not obsessing about editing and re-writing drafts. Now, that is freedom. If I have one regret, it is that I never journaled over the years after high school. Now I have a chance to change that and I hope that I can keep it up. Adios!